mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
