You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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