if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
