On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
