Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
