If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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