Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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