Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
