I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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