hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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