Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
