she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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