i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
