she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
As shirtless as possible
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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