My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
