So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
