the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
