Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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