he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
This couple is walking their pig around campus
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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