Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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