I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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