i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i came on her dog
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize