My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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