So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
