I looked at my own cervix.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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