we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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