She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I cannot find my penis.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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