Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
