i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
it's like heaven, but drunker
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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