so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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