u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
