omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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