Already got asked if we're dating
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
