Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
