She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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