she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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