anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
