between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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