Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize