Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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