and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
