i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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