we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize