are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He passed out mid-signature
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
She bit a glass in half.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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