Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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