I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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