How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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