I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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