we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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