You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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