My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
