im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
