i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just invented taco cereal.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
