I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
