I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
