you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
