Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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